Dryer lint advocate arrested after Centennial Park rally

By Timothy Long

(Knight-Rider) Atlanta, Ga. — A South Carolina businessman, recently the subject of controversy, was arrested Tuesday after a rally in support of a “legal drug” in downtown Atlanta. Dryer lint advocate Wyatt Duvall was arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor and possession of drug paraphernalia.

According to local police, Duvall, author of the controversial memoir Confessions of a Lint Head, had been issued a permit to hold a rally in Centennial Park, but authorities claim the permit was issued under false pretenses. “It was the understanding of city officials that Mr. Duvall and his organization had been issued a permit to hold a rally in which Mr. Duvall would address the issue of air pollution,” says Harold Clinkscales, spokesperson for the Atlanta City Police Department. “The city attorney has advised me not to say this, quite frankly, but Mr. Duvall lied.”

Duvall claims otherwise, noting that the thrust of his presentation urged commuters to use public transportation. “I spoke on the issue. I held up charts. I rattled off statistics, each and every one stressing the importance of carpooling and the use of MARTA,” Duvall says. “And it’s quite a fine service you people have here in Atlanta. Sadly, it’s criminally underused by the average white commuter in Atlanta, and we all know why, don’t we?”

When the reporter refused to answer the question despite Duvall’s repeated requests, the Lint Head author finally relented. “I mean, go to one any one of your Sunday brunches, and I can guarantee you that some wiseass white person will freely tell you that MARTA stands for ‘moving Africans rapidly through Atlanta,” Duvall says. “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard it.”

Duvall added, “I can’t believe people would let their own prejudices interfere with protecting Mother Earth.”

While city officials acknowledge that Duvall’s speech addressed environmental issues, it quickly shifted to another subject entirely. According to video of the event, the entire speech devoted to environmental issues — including the aforementioned chart presentation — clocked in at 57.2 seconds, at which time Duvall pulled a plastic bag out and a pipe out of his jacket pocket. Then he filled the bowl of the pipe with an unknown substance and smoked it. After he exhaled, he raised his hands and shouted, “Say goodbye to static cling.”

“I was absolutely horrified,” says Lenoir Basquiat, another member of CECA. “Here was this con artist up on stage, using illegal drugs in front of everybody and Adam. But the worst part was when he urged young people to come up on stage.”

Basquiat wasn’t the only person who thought the author had crossed the line. Even the author himself admits he erred. “Look, should I have handed that pipe to that kid? Probably not. I mean, I’m a Republican, so I don’t believe in handouts, but let’s be clear, smoking dryer lint is still legal,” Duvall says. “And until there’s a law banning it, I’m going to blaze away.”

Health officials admit that they are uncertain of the dangers of dryer lint smoking. “Tests have yet to be conducted on the effects of dryer lint smoking on humans, and it’s highly unlikely that such tests will ever occur. It’s just too risky,” says microbiologist Jay Hamilton of the Texas Institute of Technology.

Currently, two bills have been introduced by state legislators banning dryer lint. Political insiders say that both will likely pass.