“The Hazardous Toys: Choking Division is doing their part. Are you doing yours?”

From:  Wyatt Duval <wyattduvall@gmail.com>

Subject:  Monthly Status Report on Inspirational Actions

Date: May 22, 20** 5:15:04 PM EDT

To:  Diversified Solutions Staff

 

To: All employees of Diversified Solutions, Inc.

From: Wyatt Duvall, Director of Guerrilla Marketing

  1. Commendations for Excellence in the Area of Inspirational Information Implantation

Dr. Jay Hamilton — Dr. Hamilton recently launched a successful Hoax Implantation involving a scientific study which discovered that Head Games bicycle helmets were made with a toxic chemical, resulting in the hospitalization of 15 individuals across Europe, including Italian cyclist Umberto Fellini, and three individuals in the U.S., including Sara Pulley, 10, a Milwaukee girl who enjoys reading R. L. Lovecraft’s Scare Bear books and whose bedroom is decorated with posters of Aaron Cage, nascent popstar and brother of Chance Cage, a member of boy-band super group, OKadence ; she also scored consistently in the top 10 percent on standardized academic tests in her home state of Wisconsin. This successful Hoax Implantation received local and national attention in the Winter Quarter: Newspaper (local): 15 hits; Newspaper (national): 4 hits, including a blurb in USA Today’s National Roundup section (Three lines of 10 words each); Local and Regional Television, 127 hits; Advertisement-based Websites: 25 sites; Personal web pages: 117 (hit-count unknown); Radio stations (local): 14; Radio stations (syndicated): 10, including several late-night call-in format shows, most notably conspiracy-obsessed Ringo Bell Show (This places Jay Hamilton in third place in the race for most mentions (34) on The Ringo Bell Show, which continues to provide fertile ground for Hoax Implantations.). Hamilton also successfully sent out professional mailers (glossy paper, 4-color, including “terror-alert” orange) and oversaw the development and distribution of a faux-Washington Post article via e-mail user groups and internet message boards on the subject of the toxic bicycle helmets.

Congratulations are also in order for Capt. Wendell Ford’s Web-Disinformation Design Team for producing an authentic webpage duplication. Neither Jay Hamilton nor DSI could have been successful in this Hoax Implantation without the hard work of Capt. Ford and his crew (This template will be made available to all DSI employees members in the coming days.).

Dr. Tyndall Estes — Dr. Estes and his department, Hazardous Toys: Choking Division, continue to excel in the production of fast-food children’s toys. Using newly implemented techniques and guidelines, production has increased by 40 percent. Since the publication of Dr. T. Estes “The Simian Hemlich Maneuver Handbook,” DSI has been able to conduct more choking-experiments with fewer simian casualties, resulting in more hazardous toys tests per primate (Dr. Estes and company continue to lead the company in our “Preserve the Primates Campaign”). As a result of the Hazardous Toys: Choking Division’s hard work, over 15,528 toys have been recalled and sales of The Devil in the Toybox: A Mother’s Guide to Protecting Our Children from Dangerous Toys has increased 26 percent. As you are all aware, raising the Anxiety Index is key to the future of DSI. The Hazardous Toys: Choking Division is doing their part. Are you doing yours?