By Jenny Hills
(Knight-Rider) Washington, D.C. — Slumber Party leader Wyatt Duvall unveiled a plan he believes will end the plague of mass shootings that have spread across our nation. It’s a move that neither pleases gun control advocates nor the National Rifle Association. In fact, many are calling his plan an irresponsible new entitlement plan.
And with good reason: Wyatt Duvall wants to arm every American.
“Look, we all know that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The trouble is, there simply aren’t enough good guys with guns to keep the peace,” Duvall says. “I think we owe it to all Americans to make sure that we get guns in the hands of as many good guys as possible, even if they resist.”
According to Duvall’s proposal, which he calls Obamaguns, the federal government would set up streetcorner stands where prospective gun owners could receive firearms, whether it’s a simple hand gun or an assault rifle. The best part: it would all be paid for by Uncle Sam.
“We’ve found that the biggest barrier to gun ownership isn’t some false sense of morality, it’s financial,” Duvall says. “I don’t want anybody to have to chose between buying a gun and renewing their monthly subscription to Netflix. The bad guys, they don’t have to worry about that. They just steal their neighbor’s wifi and their sister’s sign-in info.”
According to Duvall’s plan, gun ownership will not be voluntary. Any American 18 or older who hasn’t signed up for an Obamagun would have to pay a fine.
“I don’t think the Founding Fathers had weekend anti-New World Order warriors and cosplay zombie apocalypsers in mind when they created the Second Amendment. They wanted a full-time army of armed citizen soldiers, one that could not only give the standing army an assist in a pinch, but gun every single one of them down if they went all ‘Hail Caesar’ on our budding little nation,” Duvall says.
“Defending our country isn’t some choice you get to make like you’re on the ice cream aisle at the grocery store and you’re trying to decide between Mayfield’s Moose Tracks and Breyer’s Birthday Cake and, I don’t know, a mint-chocolate chip Klondike bar. There is only one choice here, Rocky Road, and that road is paved in hot lead and cold steel.”
President Barack Obama does not endorse the plan and has asked Duvall to change the name of the proposed program.