By Jenny Hills
(Knight-Rider) — Washington, D.C. Slumber Party leader Wyatt Duvall shocked Capitol Hill yesterday when he unveiled his own immigration reform plan in a press conference
According to Duvall, the plan is an attempt to appease hardliners on both sides of the debate: those who will not support a plan that fails to grant some form of amnesty to current immigrants and those who will not support a plan that fails to fund the creation of a border wall.
Duvall’s solution: Immediately grant citizenship to all 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. and their South of the Border families, but only if they personally construct the wall.
“It’s a win-win, as far as I’m concerned,” Duvall says. “Brick by brick, these hard-working American citizens will build a better future for their families, a better future for America, and, more importantly, a better future for the two political parties fighting over the much-coveted Latino vote.”
However, leaders from both parties disagreed. Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), a long-time amnesty supporter who believes the GOP must embrace immigration reform or risk losing future presidential elections, took issue with Duvall’s plan.
“Mr. Duvall’s so-called compromise is a slap in the face to the millions of immigrants here in the United States today. It’s clearly one of the most heartless pieces of legislation that I’ve seen in some time,” McCain says.
Duvall takes issue with the senator’s comments. “Heartless is breaking up families. Heartless is using innocent men and women as pawns in a campaign cash game. These are lives, not fundraising opportunities,” he says.
The Slumber Party leader says that he was initially inspired by a night of channel surfing, in which he jumped back and forth between “The Ten Commandments,” “Song of the South,” and “This Old House.”
“Imagine it: mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, working side by side along the hot Texas border, among the scorpions and fire ants and rattlesnakes. With each brick they lay, the wall gets higher, and as the wall gets higher, their smiles get wider,” Duvall says. “They’ll be singing ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ in no time.”
He adds, “Once this wall is completed, it will not be a barrier barring immigrants from entering our great nation. It will be a path to citizenship. It will be a celebration of all the years they toiled in the soil, they worked in the field, they slaved away in the sun while their fellow citizens encouraged them to work ever harder and harder. And this time, they’ll be working toward their freedom.
“If that isn’t the American Dream, I don’t know what is.”