Diversified Solutions: Status Report

Once again, congratulations are in order for Jay Hamilton, this time for the development of the Presidential Alert Division. Thanks to the tireless efforts of his team of skilled theater grads and computer animators, the American public can no longer tell the difference between a true emergency broadcast from the Oval Office and a fake one. Last quarter alone, Hamilton’s Presidential Alert Division interrupted broadcast and cable channels a total of 45 times. Hamilton believes that no two channels should be targeted at one time, since, he theorizes, the viewer of a false Presidential Alert will feel more anxiety if the message they receive is only found on one channel. As they flip, first to the cable news network of their political inclinations and then its competitors and finally through every channel, they will become increasingly agitated when they discover that the president’s address cannot be found on any other channel. They will doubt their sanity. They will question the government. They will suspect a conspiracy. They will feel chosen, a feeling that perhaps causes more dread than any other. Since the Presidential Alert Division has been created, the White House has been attacked by a short-range rocket-to-arm missile twice, the First Lady has been kidnapped by terrorists, the United Nations has declared martial law, alien life forms have destroyed the Pentagon, alien life forms have destroyed the Capitol Building, alien life forms have destroyed the Empire State Building, alien life forms have destroyed the St. Louis Gateway Arch, alien life forms have destroyed Mt. Rushmore, alien life forms have destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge, alien life forms have destroyed the Hollywood sign, alien life forms placed a gigantic bubble over Crawford, Texas, the Pope has passed, a new Pope has been declared, the Olympics have been called off, a tornado has struck Sacramento, Calif., a tsunami has hit Topeka, Kan., a blizzard has blanketed Baton Rouge, La., the president has come out of the closet, the president has admitted that he likes Miracle Whip over mayonnaise, the president has just stopped by to say hello, the president has spoken in the third person, the president has spoken in pig Latin, the president has spoken in iambic pentameter, the president has asked Joe Moore to the prom, the president has ripped off his skin and revealed his true reptilian self, the president has begged the first lady to forgive him, the president has placed a prank call to the prime minister of the U.K., and the president has submitted an audition tape to The Real World: Key West.