Diversified Solutions: Status Report

Congratulations are once again in order for Jay Hamilton for his contributions to raising the Anxiety Index. By utilizing a specially chosen team consisting of our top Sleeper Agents in the Hazardous Toys: Choking Division and the Undisclosed Projects: Off the Books Division, Hamilton and his team raised the Anxiety Index by 34 percent last month following a successful campaign in which Cracker Jack-style toys were inserted into non-traditional food delivery systems, such as potato chips, beef jerky, tortilla chips, and pretzels. However, the team truly outdid themselves by inserting the toys into other traditional non-food-related delivery systems, such as packages of panty hose, toothpaste, condoms, adult undergarments, and baby wipes. By tackling such a wide range of products, Hamilton and his collaborators were able to avoid any media exposure. As written about in Fear and Loathing in the Medicine Cabinet, this type of operation elevates the Anxiety Index in the frightened masses while triggering the Curiosity Reflex in potential Sleeper Agents. Although no applications have been submitted, analytics suggest that several internet searches have been conducted by both customers and customer service representatives. As you know, customer service representatives are particularly valuable new additions to the Diversified Solutions team for both their well-honed calmness and their unique insight into the mind of the confused consumer.