Diversified Solutions Incorporated: Status Report

Congratulations are once again in order for Jay Hamilton of the Tamper Resistant Packaging Division. By changing “high-fructose corn syrup” on the list of ingredients for Royal Crown Cola to “high-fructose amniotic fluid,” he generated 1,268 phone calls to the beverage maker’s corporate headquarters. According to our patented algorithms, 53.9 percent of the phone calls were in the upper 10 percent on the Anxiety Index’s Hyperventilation Meter. Kudos.