Controversial dryer lint advocate arrested at St. Paddy’s party release

By Timothy Long

(Knight-Rider) Chicago, Ill. — Police arrested controversial writer Wyatt Duvall for drug possession at Grant Park on St. Patrick’s Day. However, Duvall, the author of the underground hit Confessions of a Lint Head, was released when authorities determined he wasn’t in possession of an illegal substance.

Officers spotted Duvall leaning against a lamp post rolling what appeared to a be a marijuana cigarette. A crowd of St. Patrick’s Day revelers had gathered around Duvall and watched him as he wobbled back and forth and fumbled to roll a “pot joint,” according to police reports. Officers were further convinced Duvall was intoxicated when he failed to notice the gawking crowd that had gathered.

According to Chicago Police Department officer Liam O’Leary, “The suspect didn’t look up or [anything.] At first I thought that he might be [mentally handicapped.] I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” O’Leary added. “I just knew that something was wrong with him, like he was out of his head or something.” He then called for backup as he watched Duvall “twist a fattie.”

By the time Flagstone’s fellow officers arrived, Duvall had taken a lighter out of his pocket and was about to light the joint. When he did, the officers rushed him.

Several witnesses to the incident told the paper that something didn’t smell right. “When one of the officers pulled out a tazer, I caught a whiff of the smoke. I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t pot,” said one bystander who wishes to remain anonymous. “It smelled like a set of clean sheets.”

Chicago police then proceeded to apprehend Duvall, but the founder of the Wyatt Sheets laundromat chain resisted. “He flipped open the box of rolling papers and began to pull the papers out, throwing them up in the air, one by one,” O’Leary said. “I think he was trying to create a barrier.”

But Duvall’s attempts were useless. The officers broke through with ease, only to find the writer wielding the empty rolling paper package like a knife and taunting the officers with obscenities.

Two officers suffered extensive paper cuts while assisting the suspect to the ground. Duvall himself received numerous blows to the head and at least three jolts from a taser. The Lint Head author was taken to the station and booked.

However, hours passed before Duvall told authorities that the “grass” that he had been smoking was not marijuana. Instead, it was dryer lint which the writer had dyed green for the St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Police promptly tested the substance, and Duvall was released. According to a spokesperson for Wyatt Duvall, the author may possibly file a lawsuit.

Confessions of a Lint Head has been widely panned by critics, but it has been well-received by college audiences and teens, many of whom have been inspired by Duvall’s drug-fueled misadventures. At least 27 dryer lint deaths have been reported.

But as shocking as that number is, there is an even more surprising figure when it comes to the world of Wyatt Duvall. Wyatt Sheets recently held its IPO, and by the end of the day, Duvall himself was $300 million richer.